I thought I wasn't going to do a blog like this but then I decided to do so.
It's been a month since I updated this thing and thought maybe that it needed a little love.
This last Saturday marks the anniversary for when my father passed away. The years have seemed long without him and that hole in my heart will not be ever filled. It is the sad truth and I won't try to banish it away. The hole is still a small hole and can be covered with a band-aid in order to heal. I have to come that point with this last year.
Getting a full time job, deciding what to do, wondering if I should go out on my own. It keeps going back to what my family and what would Dad think?
It makes me think back to being compared to my sisters, it were a few times and I knew my Dad ment well. But I am not my sisters and I am not going to the paths that they did. I won't have the passion right away that Carrie has or the strong-will that Judy keeps clenched. I do though have my own stubborn nature and strong desires. Even that I can say that my sisters do not know that much about. It isn't their fault and it isn't mine either. The relationships that I have with them are not the closest in the world, but in a way I share something with both Carrie and Judy that both worlds cannot describe.
And in this I find peace, things don't always have to be spoken. Things don't always have to be pictured. I just know.
It's also why I am deciding when I am going to back to school. I don't want to right now and maybe within the next year and half I will. I will work for my Associate degree and after that. I don't know. I like the job I have now and i know I won't be here forever, but people shouldn't have to worry so much about choices I make in my life. I am an adult and I've finally gotten into my dang head to get my act together. Finding myself since moving back from Bellingham has been one hell of a ride. But I am happy with who and what I have become.
I'm Emily. I am not Carrie, I am not Judy, I am not Dad, and I am not Mom. If God has my future laid out for me or if I make my own future, then this is the way it is going. I enjoy it and I breath in the clean slate that I can go out each day.
I have a goal to have a roommate maybe by Janunary or Febuary of next year. If I live with Rebecca - cool. If I live with David - cool. If I live by myself - cool. I still have to save some money for an apartment or find a studio to live on my own. I can afford it and even though I enjoy living with Mom -- she needs time again to adjust on her own and get her own life together. She may think that she doesn't need to but she does.
I was protected a lot when I was younger and I became selfish and dependent on a lot of people. I thought that I was going to be taken care of for the rest of my life. I blew money where I didn't need too and could not grasp the understanding of saving. It took my years to finally understand what my Mom and Dad were trying to teach me.
I know my father isn't coming back and I do mourn for him, but I won't shed tears anymore on this day. Instead I celebrate that he is with God and is waiting for us when our time is right. I know that he will meet me, Mom, or my sisters when the time comes. I embrace that and I know that he wants me to go on with my life, know who I am, and discover that the Big Guy in the sky wants me to see.
My name is Emily Prince, 25 years old, and I am happy with my life. Thank you God.
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